Maybe it’s your family, maybe it is someone you just heard about. It can be someone’s son or daughter. There are so many stories of the family member who has disappointed, manipulated and even stolen from family, often they are addicted. They hurt you in ways that are hard to forgive. You don’t have to let them steal or manipulate, but if you can’t forgive, you cut off any chance for reconciliation, you write them off.
In a religious community there is a woman who constantly demands attention. She needs money, she needs transportation here or there. She expects it and has been getting it. To be fair, she has very limited means and this community is one that advertises itself as caring and supportive, so they should be helping her, right? Yes, and their support should be given wisely. They could just tell her to stop asking, even let her go away.
A young adult I know has cut off from a parent. That parent has a history of alcoholism and manipulation of relationships. The parent is not honest with others or themself. They create chaos and even turn people against each other. The adult child has decided that cutting all relationship with the parent is the only way to manage life.
A couple cut off from a parent after an argument. There were hurtful words and accusations. Both sides felt unheard and treated unfairly. So, they just cut off from each other. To be fair only one side cut off; the other, who may have been more at fault did not want to cut off. But relating was just too hard. Things that were said were interpreted as deeply personal attacks. So, wipe your hands in the air; this is over. No more talking again ever.
In Matthew 5:23-24 Jesus says, “If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.” The teaching here is to try to work out ruptures in relationships. This goes beyond, “if you had a fight with your neighbor, go make it right.” We should do that, but it says, if someone else has something against you, go make things right. It puts responsibility on us for when other people are mad at us! Of course we can’t fix every broken relationship, some can be dangerous. But this is the principle: work out the fractures between people when possible. Be a peacemaker.
It seems so much easier to cut off from difficult people. And some deserve it; they are harmful to our soul or physically dangerous. But too often we don’t want to do the hard work of relationships. We tire of trying to set healthy boundaries; making efforts to connect is more work than we want to do.
Families have cut off from each other for years, one side just acting as if the other did not exist. There is a smug satisfaction in that, “they were wrong, I am right.” And people do truly hurt one another, and space is sometimes called for. Complete cutoff seems easy. It is easier to write somebody off than it is to deal with their differences; they challenge our way of seeing the world. It’s kind of like prejudice: people of other colors, from other ethnic groups are weird, bad, disgusting so I’ll have nothing to do with them. They eat pets you know!
While he roamed the countryside teaching Jesus told a story, a parable: There was a poor man who owed a rich man a huge amount of money. It was so much he could not have repaid it in his lifetime. He went to the rich man and begged, “please forgive my debt, it is more than I can bear.” For some reason, the rich man was moved and said, “I forgive your debt.” The forgiven man then went to another person who owed him a small amount and demanded, “pay me back now or I’ll have you thrown in debtor’s prison!” People saw this and told on him; they told the rich man what the recently debt forgiven man did to someone who owed him. Naturally, the rich guy was furious. He snatched him up, saying, “you ungrateful heel” (or some worse name for him) and threw him in prison.
Do you get the point? We are all imperfect. You have hurt somebody who has forgiven you. If you believe in sin and Jesus’ forgiveness, God offers forgiveness. We’ve been forgiven a lot, we should forgive. Maybe you don’t buy that. But even on a practical level, what good does it do you to hold onto unforgiveness? It does no good; it hurts you. It feels like a “win,” but it’s not. You are not truly better than the person you refuse to forgive; your faults are just different. You need to be forgiven at times too.
And if your unforgiveness turns you bitter, that is a high price to pay. Holding bitterness toward another person is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It eats you up. You may enjoy revenge fantasies for a while, but they do not bring happiness. Even a little bitterness for small infractions diminishes your life. It takes away joy and replaces it with dullness.
Forgiveness is a choice to not pursue revenge. That is all it is. You don’t have to feel warm feelings toward the person you forgive. You don’t have to restore all connections if they are not safe to not hurt you again. But forgiveness is not waiting until they change, “I’ll forgive if they do such and such.” That is reworking a contract, not forgiveness. You will only forgive if they make things even with you. You could wait all your life for the other to make the changes that you feel make them worthy of being forgiven. Then what have you got? Years of holding a grudge that hurts you, not them. Years of cutting off someone who might have contributed something to your life if you had let them in.
I knew a man whose wife had affairs early in their marriage. He learned about it years later but forgave her and wanted to move on. She was sorry for what she had done. Then he learned there was more than he first knew; she hadn’t told it all. He hardened and began a series of demands on her. He became harsh and vindictive. He gave her list after list of actions she had to take to “earn” his forgiveness. She tried but some demands were impossible. His bitterness ate him up. He would not give forgiveness, because forgiveness is never earned, it is given freely by a choice of the will.
Take a moment to quietly let your mind wander to someone you find hard (or impossible) to forgive. What feelings do you have about them? What did they do to you? Imagine the way life might play out differently if you forgave. Maybe you would have a relationship with them, maybe not, but you would let go. What might that be like? Let that settle in to your spirit.
Now take another moment to quietly let your mind wander to something you have done that you find hard (or impossible) to forgive. What feelings do you have about yourself? What did you do? Imagine the way life might play out differently if you forgave. You could let go. What might that be like? Let that settle in to your spirit.
If you are in relationship with anyone, forgiveness is really handy. Actually, it is required if you want a close relationship. Because others will hurt you. Because they are different from you, have different perspectives and desires. But you know this right? you will hurt them too. You need forgiveness, so why won’t you give it?
We all need to do the hard work of relationships. That is, the struggle of boundaries and connection. Connect and keep relationships at the proper distance for safety.
The only people that never have to forgive live alone in a forest somewhere. And you know what? If any of us lived alone in a forest, we would have to forgive ourselves at times for things we did or failed to do.
