Many of us go through the day only partly paying attention. While driving we may arrive at a place and have no memory of the stops and turns it took to get there. One day, driving down the road I said to my wife, “I never noticed that before!” about a business on the side of the road; her response was, “Oh, that’s been there for a long time.” I drive certain roads that extend out from my house all the time. I do so automatically, turning and stopping where I need to without thinking. Apparently, I also miss things while driving in this automatic way.
Or do you ever get to the end of the day and not remember what you did? What did you have for lunch, someone might ask, and you don’t even remember. Or what did you and your friend talk about on the phone? But that memory is gone now; you have no idea.
Doesn’t it seem like it would be better to recall what you did, or how you drove where you are? And it seems better to be able to recall what you talked about with colleagues, and what you accomplished during the day.
The challenge of living when we do so many things on automatic is to notice we are doing them in a mindless way, then to wake up from the fog. All of life that is out of your awareness is a blind spot to you. What you can’t see, you don’t know you are not seeing. Look up to the sky some day and see all the universe, the milky way, other galaxies, the planets around our sun, the millions of other suns. But, you say, I can’t see the stars in the daytime. No, you can’t. And even at night the limits on what you can see keep you from seeing our full solar system, our full milky way galaxy, and any galaxies beyond that. The most modern of telescopes, the Hubble and Webb telescopes that have been shot into orbit still cannot see all there is to see.
So it is in our lives, we don’t see all that is there. But if you are looking, you might see; if you don’t look, you can’t possibly see.
Picture yourself in a crowd of people who are all talking, having conversations about a myriad of topics. You are on one side of a large gathering area with some folks near you and others also spread out all over the space. You can’t know what any are saying unless you get near them and listen in. Then, you understand even more if you participate in a conversation.
But if instead, you focus on their clothing, their attractiveness or lack of it, you won’t know much. If you keep a physical and emotional distance, they won’t know you and you won’t know them.
It reminds me of people I have known who sat in church and made running commentary about the singers, speaker and people around them. Many times, these were funny comments, often also critical. When a person does that, they can’t truly experience what is happening, or take people at face value. They are too busy judging and putting people in categories.
We don’t just do this to others, we do it to ourselves. Someone once told me that Jesus’ command to, “Love others as you love yourself,” is a command that you can’t break. Meaning, we will love others the same way we love (or don’t love) ourselves, which may be with grace or with criticism.
You may fall into one of your own blind spots; you don’t think about yourself at all. When you don’t know what you need or want, you may see yourself only for the functions you serve. You are a mom, a dad, an employee, or whatever. It isn’t selfish to consider your own needs and interests while you also fulfil your roles in life. If you disregard yourself, you might just disregard others, looking past the unique human beings around you. They are just the function that they serve for you. You know, just children, spouse, food servers, doctors, garbage men, and such, not individuals with hopes, desires and needs.
My challenge to you is to notice yourself first. What genuine and real aspects of yourself do you know? Despite living with yourself however many years you have lived, you can go deeper in understanding. What do you really want from life? What are the things and people of most value to you?
Let me guide you through a brief meditation on this.
Most of us do, at some deep level want to be known and cared for. A mentor of mine once said, “The greatest gift you can give anybody is the feeling of being understood.” Start with yourself. This might sound intimidating or weird. But you can begin in small ways; consider these questions: What do you feel around you right now? Is the air moving or still? Are your clothes comfortable or binding someplace? Are you in any pain? If so, from what? Is it bright where you are right now, or is the light dim? Do you smell aromas pleasant or unpleasant? What from? What do you want in this moment?
Is today going the way you would like? Are you giving good effort to what you are doing? Do you have before you tasks that you believe in? Can you name anything that scares you right now? Do you have unsettled feelings? Is there something you are excited about? Are you yearning for something?
It’s not necessary to have perfect answers to all these questions. You may have more of your own questions that fit you better. You might just linger on one of the questions and go deeper that way. Most of all we need grace and self-compassion as we explore and learn to better love ourselves. Remember we will love others the same way we love (or don’t love) ourselves, which may be with grace or with criticism.
I believe you are a beloved child of God. I once had a boss who put that on a screen saver on his computer, “You are a beloved child of God.” He, and anyone who came into his office, saw that statement scrolling across the screen. We are also usually doing the best we can with what we know at the time. Someday we may know more or be able to do differently, but now, we are doing the best we can. If you try to understand yourself more fully, start with the fact that you are deeply loved by God, and you are usually doing the best that you can. Then work toward love of yourself. The result will be a person who can love others better.
