What's Your Agenda?

Under the surface of every living person is a set of Agendas. They are powerful, and if you don't know they are there, they can be dangerous. Do you want to know what is driving you and hurting others around you? You can be more aware, and possibly let go of unrealistic expectations that make life harder. 

Transcript

I want things to go a certain way. I want you to do some things. I would make it happen it if I could. I’ll get angry or sad if it doesn’t go my way. Don’t you know people like this, all controlling and everything? And honestly, wouldn’t you like life to go a bit differently (or a lot differently) and control the outcome if you could?

I think this is having an AGENDA. An agenda is how you wish it would be or how you are sure it ought to be. An agenda may be unspoken but it is a powerful driver of behavior. Your agenda colors everything toward getting that agenda to work out. It begins with a sense of entitlement (I deserve this!), which then causes disappointment, frustration, and resentment if you don’t get want you want. 

Impatience is often an indicator of having an agenda. Things should already be a certain way and they are not, so you are impatient with yourself, or with others for not seeing what you see, not changing things to the way you feel it should be. Agendas have an arrogant spirit; others just need to get on board with you. It is demanding. It may be outside of conscious awareness, just percolating under the surface causing critical remarks, dissatisfaction and manipulation. It absolutely creates mental justification for anger. “I wouldn’t have lost my temper if he had just done what I wanted!” We all have agendas, even at the basic level of “I wish that hadn’t turned out that way…”

Traffic was slow and heavy. When I got to the intersection, I saw what I thought was the reason. The Lord’s Kitchen people were collecting money again for their programs for the poor. They had pylons set up between lanes at the traffic light and someone on each of the four corners was walking beside cars and across lanes with a bucket collecting money. Sometimes they have a truck with a flashing yellow light on it on one corner to let you know they are there, but I didn’t notice one today. 

I looked in my cupholder to see if I had any money to give. A dime and two pennies. As the older woman walked by my car I rolled down the window and handed her the dime and penny and said, “whoever had you all out here at such a busy time is putting you in danger!” She just replied, “Oh, I’m used to it.” Frustrated that she seemed to dismiss my comment I said it again, “No, being out here is putting you all in danger, and it’s slowing down traffic.” She repeated, “I’m used to it.” And walked on. 

My head spun about how they get official permission to be collecting at intersections, who makes such decisions and the criteria. It slows things down because drivers are trying not to hit them as they drive though, and cars stop to donate money. 

I did think they were in danger with all this traffic. But I had to admit as I drove away, that I had an agenda. I didn’t want them out here at all, slowing down traffic, slowing me down. And to tell her what was on my mind I hardly gave any money at all!

I’m not proud of this by the way, but it’s an example of an “agenda,” an often unspoken, possibly unconscious desire to control life and other people. It’s kinda diabolical. 

Who am I to decide what other people should be doing? More than that, who am I to try to force them to do what I want?

Agendas are expectations and expectations are the pathway to anger. Anger can lead to violence. It breeds discontent, disharmony and entitlement. If you convince yourself that your agenda is the only way, then those who don’t cooperate are your enemy. And we all have agendas at times. I need, and you need, to be aware of how harmful it can be to our relationships and ourselves. 

Non-clinging, non-holding, letting go are ways to talk about accepting reality as it is, not how we want it to be. It is facing hard things and possibly changing them, but first accepting them. We can’t change anything we have not acknowledged yet. 

Goals/Hopes

In our driven and achievement-oriented culture, to say that agendas are bad sounds like surrender to whatever happens. It sounds lazy. If agendas are bad, maybe we should just go along with anything and anyone else’s goals for our lives. But I argue that we can have hopes and goals which are different than having an agenda. 

A goal is something I’m willing to work toward. I hold hopes lightly. I allow others input or to see things differently. I will not force my hopes on others. I can adapt to different outcomes. 

A goal is a change in your situation that you can reach by reasonable effort. It can be held lightly because it hasn’t happened yet but holds a promise of a better state. It is a way of taking responsibility for yourself, not just letting “whatever happens, happens.” A goal is voluntary: you choose to set it or not, you choose to work toward it or not, others get on board with you or not by their choice. It is not forced. 

The Serenity Prayer says: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Realize that the things you can change now are different than in the past or future. You might not be able to change a particular thing now but may be able to change it in the future. You might be able to change something now, but if you wait, you won’t be able to change in the future. Either way, positive change comes with wisdom, not by force. 

Get still for a few minutes. If it is safe to do so, close your eyes and focus on relaxing your mind and body. For a few moments, just pause. In that pause be open to what you might discover in your body or mind. Relax anything you notice that is tense, from head to toes. If you find pain, relax the area around each pain spot. Even in this process you may encounter agendas: “I should be doing something productive,” or “this won’t work for me, it’s silly.” Notice agendas that insist you or others should act or think some certain way. You do not have to give up any treasured beliefs to notice that you may have unrealistic agendas for others or yourself. Let them be, you don’t even have to try to change or let go of them now, just notice when they arise. As you find them, give yourself permission to change, keep or let go of them. If you don’t want to let them go, can they change to goals that are not coercive, not forced? Look into your heart and see what is clinging there that does not have to, that you can let go of…” Then you can try the motto, “Let go and Let God” so God can take this burden from you of trying to force things in your life.