Who Made You the Judge of Everything?

It is so easy to criticize others. It seems some people just ask for it by doing stupid things! And yet, if we spend enough time criticizing it kind of wears on you. All that negativity thrown on other people splashes back on us. 
It's a common problem. Listen in to this episode on moving to a different attitude. 

Transcript

Walking down a street in my neighborhood I saw that a neighbor had gotten her long narrow sidewalk repaved from the street to her front door. The old sidewalk was painted, I had noticed before, which I thought was clearly wrong; but now it was fresh concrete nicely done with four very shallow steps in it. At the street the walk begins with several feet of gradual uphill slope, then two steps, followed by more smooth uphill slope, then another two steps, then several more feet of uphill slope. I know she has gotten this wrong; it would be so much more practical and attractive to have all smooth uphill slope with no steps at all interrupting. There’s no natural bump in the yard causing any need for those awkward steps. She has a nice brick house but with ugly peachy trim. 

Why do I care? Well, I judge everything I see and so do you. It’s good or bad; I like it, or I don’t. The judgements are heavy sometimes with a sense of moral authority, and lighter other times but still from the perspective that the judge (which is me, or you) is right, and the other is obviously wrong. You may resist being called judgmental, but you know you have your opinions, about everything; you may not say them out loud, but you have them.

Are we all just self-absorbed critics, casting aspersions in every direction? Well, yes, we can be. “Casting aspersions” just means throwing around negative judgements. Judging everything and everyone is so natural that you and I do it unconsciously. Like picking out fruit at the grocery, some of it looks or feels better than others. 

Why do you judge everything you see? I suspect it has something to do with your survival instinct, you judge whether you see things helpful or not, ruling out what you judge as bad, mentally filing away things you like as possible resources that could help you.  It gets serious when it comes to religion, politics, gender and other groups where you strongly identify. If you judge someone as one of your group, you like them and feel comfortable with them. If they seem to be an outsider to you, you’re at least stand offish and may in fact deem them to be dangerous. If you blurt out and push your opinion on others, it just continues the process of arguing and separation that we see in so many ways today. But if you can change this in yourself.

What’s the cure for this judgement curse we all seem to have? I don’t believe you can turn it off. The judgment is so built in that it comes too quickly to stop. But you can turn it down some if you consciously practice thinking of the world as interesting, instead of threatening. When you are curious about interesting things you suspend judgment, so you don’t immediately react harshly. But the cure for our automatic critic is noticing the judgement. As soon as you judge anything, especially another human being, pause. Pause before you say anything. Pause before you condemn or turn away from. Ask yourself, “Is this a real threat? Some people and situations are actual physical threats; they are violent dangers. Get away, protect yourself, don’t look back. 

But many other situations and people in life are just different than what you are used to. Certain circumstances feel foreign, some people have come to different conclusions than you have, others were raised in different cultures. It’s possible to disagree but find you still have some things in common. Here is an idea: almost everyone wants to live life in peace and wants “the pursuit of happiness.”

 There are homes near my house where people live who are different than me. Some have different colored skin, some wear different clothing and celebrate different holidays, some take care of their yard differently than I do. We are not buddies, but they don’t present any threat to me or my family. I believe what I believe and don’t plan to give that up. I’m sure they believe what they believe and don’t plan to give it up. We can coexist peacefully. We can even become good neighbors over time. But the natural judging goes on. l need to pause after the initial surprise at different languages being spoken, different clothes being worn, different food smells, different sounds of music, different appearances. Things being different doesn’t make them wrong, just different. This same principle applies to my wife. We’ve lived together for decades but I have still not made her just like me, nor has she made me like her; we are different than each other.      

Think about yourself. Relax as best you can and consider this built in habit of judging, judging everything. It is not going to stop. You are not above this tendency even if you are nicer than most. First admit that you judge, then offer yourself some gentleness; you just do this because it is human nature. But you can be kinder and gentler with it. Accept that you are a work in progress, and you may feel threatened by some who are not out to hurt you; a pause can help you know better. When you get uncomfortable and critical, how do you want to handle it? You can walk away, or you can try to make a friend, or you can do something in between. Pause before believing a critical opinion. We’ve all received judgment at some time or other.  If you have been judged recall how unpleasant that feels. How can you relate to another as a gift instead of a threat?