Building your Calm Account

Can you get to a  calm place when things are swirling around you? Or when life gets tough, are you tossed about like the wind into despair?  Your brain can react to the slightest thing, or it can be trained to react appropriately to real threats. 
Here's how to set yourself up for success when you need resilience. You can't make life's problems go away but you can ride the waves.

Transcript

You have the ability to calm yourself, we all do. But maybe you get calm easily or you find it really hard to calm down. I believe everyone has an account in their personal “calm bank.” You need to draw upon this account when things get tough. It’s like that “rainy day fund” some people have in case a small emergency comes up they can pay for it and get what’s needed without more stress. Another way of describing the “care bank” is like the good will you build up with friends and family so that when you need them, they will help; you know, being there for them in tough times so they will be there for you in tough times. A professional person told me another parallel. It’s like making contacts with your business associates, even competitors so that when you have a business crisis, they are more willing to help you out than if they don’t even know your name or have a bad impression of you. 

Now, you might not have a rainy-day fund for money crises, or you don’t do favors for others, or you don’t have contacts with business colleagues. Maybe these examples show things you could do?

Here’s the common thread: practice some things now that help you in the future. I talk a lot about being in the moment because it is really helpful to me and everyone I meet. And the discipline of being in the moment has future benefits; that’s part of why I try to do it. The “care bank” can be built up by intentional time focusing on the present moment. 

We can only live in the moment we are in right now. And this moment is connected to all the moments to come. If you are fully present now, you are more likely to be fully present in the next moments to come. And the calm that builds into your body and brain can carry over to more future moments. This is not just mushy positive self-help talk; It is backed up by science of how the mind works.   For one thing, there is a tiny part of your brain that is the center of the “fight, flight or freeze” response we all have built in. That part gets trained to react quick or slow when we practice calm in our life (or fail to practice calm). Like a “hair trigger” the brain can react to the slightest thing, or it can be trained to react appropriately to real threats. 

Also, the patterns we find in our lives tend to stay unless we make great efforts to change them. If you have a pattern of overreacting, you will probably continue that pattern. You might call it  “catastrophizing,” making a catastrophe of even small problems. Of course, we want to react when there is a real threat, but what a waste of time and energy to overreact. It is exhausting and self-reinforcing. The more you see things in the light of fears, the more things you see to be afraid of.

I know a woman I’ll call Cheryl, who gets quite excited when things go bad. It seems to energize her. Once a friend of hers had a car accident with the result that several people got injured and some needed surgery. It was a big deal, but Cheryl was the first one to the hospital, calling or texting everyone who she thought needed to know. Cheryl insisted they all come to the hospital and stay. There was little anyone could do but Cheryl had an internal drive that was activated by this accident. She kept up to date on all developments and retold stories about it with emotion and judgment of anyone not equally upset as she was. 

People like Cheryl seem to have trained their mind to catastrophize. I’m not saying they enjoy other’s misfortune but some part of them feels good when the excitement of a crisis is underway. It is the opposite of building your account in the “calm bank.” We become whatever we practice. If we practice letting our emotions run away in fear or anger, then getting under control when afraid or angry can become impossible.

What is your pattern? Do you recognize yourself or anyone you know? Even if you don’t catastrophize you can benefit from building the “calm bank” inside you. 

Take a few moments and get still. If you can safely do so, close your eyes. Mentally check all parts of your body starting at your head and moving to your toes. Relax as best you can. If you notice pain points, relax the area around your pains. Now ask yourself what has upset you lately. Would it have upset anyone, or did you overreact? Is there a different way you would like to react to that crisis or other crises? You could pray. Prayer can help to calm your own emotions and thoughts. With prayer or without, settle as calmly as possible. This can help you access things about this, insights, that are really true for you. Maybe you crave someone to rescue you in hard times. Or you might relish stressful times and feel stronger. Are there some different outcomes you would like when you are upset? Take a few deep breaths and let them out slowly. Imagine taking in strength with the inbreath, then calmly exhaling fear with the outbreath. Let what you can’t control go. Let it go.

Practicing getting centered and calm can help build your calm bank account. The more you intentionally seek being calm, the more you build the ability to be calm when you need it.  

Matthew 5:9 says: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.