What's Yours and What's Not

Are you involved with someone who can't seem to manage without you? Do you use a lot of energy to solve other's problems?  Consider what you can do.
You can love another person but let them manage themself. You can let go of telling   yourself that you know better (even if you do sometimes).
This is setting a boundary; a strong place that is both separate and connected to others. This kind of connection is between individuals who know (as best they can) who they are and who they believe the other to be.  
Check out this episode to rethink rescuing or carrying another person. 

Transcript

Know who you are

Identity is a big thing in our culture now, political identity, sexual identity, and other identities. And identity is important. Knowing who you are is the springboard for action: You know what you want and direction to take when your identity is clear. But for so many, who they are is not clear. They have told themselves different things at different points of life about who they are. And there are often many others who offer opinions about who you are, beginning with family. “Don’t you know you are a Smith? And Smiths don’t do that kind of thing, or Smiths always do things this way! Fill in your family name here. Then there are online voices telling you who you are. They are many and persuasive. 

When we start to get some clarity on who we are we can create boundaries. Boundaries is another word for rules of how to behave and not behave in relationships. Who do you allow to tell you what to do? Who do you get to (or have) to tell what to do? 

Ever heard the line, “your freedom ends at the tip of the other person’s nose?” It means you can do whatever you want until it hurts someone else. That is a commonsense boundary about what you can do toward others. We also need boundaries about what we allow others to do to us. “She is just a doormat in that relationship,” someone might say, meaning she doesn’t stand up for herself, she lets someone or many someones tell her what to do. 

I believe that we should be responsible for ourselves. As best as we can figure out what is our set of tasks and opportunities, we should step up and take care of them ourselves, not expect others to do our work for us. Of course, people who love you will help you, but if you take responsibility for yourself, when others help you will recognize it as a gift. You will be grateful not expect them to do it all the time. 

The other side of this coin is that I should not take responsibility for anyone else. Those I love I will help and encourage but not take over their lives. Here’s a good rule for life: “Don’t do for somebody else what they should rightfully do for themself.” This means choosing to let spouses, children, family, and friends struggle with hard things and not rescue them from them. If we do for another what they should do themself, we rob them of the chance of success. Do you see, if I do a thing my friend should do himself and it works out well, then I should get the credit, not him? It’s like doing the science project for your child; if they get a good grade they didn’t earn it, you did. And if I cover up for an alcoholic who missed work and she keeps her job, I made that happen and she avoided consequences that she may need to face. 

Some young trees are planted with tall stakes and ropes holding them up. But those ropes must be removed at some point, so the tree develops strength against winds itself. If it is dependent too long a wind will knock it down. 

People who help others are called all kinds of things, some positive, like compassionate, helpful, “would give you the shirt off his back,” generous, and so on. Other names for such people are martyr, victim, and co-dependent. That second list is not so nice but at times may be more accurate. If you do for others what they should do for themselves, are you really doing it for them or so you can feel good about yourself? When you rescue another who should face something hard themself, you probably feel they could not have done it without you, and that you are a hero. You might have a legitimate motivation to rescue another; you might fear for their life. With dependents like children, we must do what is needed to keep them safe. But for adults, they must have the choice to make bad decisions if they so choose, especially if you know they understand the risk of consequences. 

My mom was the child of an alcoholic, her father. I never knew him because he died when I was just days old. But in many unspoken ways my wonderful mom taught me to put others first to my detriment (as she herself did) and go beyond healthy boundaries. As a teenager I had a revelation that I must “care for, not caretake” others. I came to the words “care for, not caretake” as I realized that trying to control others (to caretake), even in well intentioned ways, was wrong. It was wrong for me because it kept me frustrated with the other’s lack of cooperation. And it was wrong for the others because they needed to face the consequences of their behavior, the costs and the rewards!

But, you might say, other people’s lives are so interesting! And when I get caught up in juicy stories about someone else, I am distracted from my own problems. 

Awareness of how you care for yourself and others is a mindful process. When you honestly look at yourself and your behavior, you can let go of other’s behavior. You can love another person and not try to control them. You set aside agendas and convincing yourself that you know better (even if you do sometimes).

This is a boundary. It is differentiation. It is living in the here and now, not the past or the future your imagination makes up. It is clarity, self-responsibility, self-compassion, freedom, love; a strong place that is both separate and connected to others. This kind of connection is between individuals who know (as best they can) who they are and who they believe the other to be. You can love another and not try to control them.

A ritual in some wedding ceremonies can illustrate this. Before the ceremony starts the mothers of the spouses each walk to the platform and light a side candle on a trinity candelabra. During the ceremony the bride and groom walk to this candelabra, pick up the side candles and light the center candle. A scripture is often read, “and the two shall become one flesh,” symbolized by the center candle, which represents their bond as a married couple. Often the two side candles are blown out with only the center remaining. The symbolism here is that the two people merge into a marriage. I cringe whenever I see this because if the mothers lighting the side candles represents the individuals being born into the world, the wedding should not represent their dissolving into another person! But sometimes the two side candles are left still burning, which represents their individual lives that each are still living. There is oneness but separateness. It is not either or, it is both and. All three candles burning represents the mystery of a new reality, the marriage into which each person gives themselves and creates a new thing that is bigger than the sum of its parts, AND the two side candles represent individuals still responsible for themselves spiritually, emotionally and physically. 

Self-awareness is observing yourself, and the affects you have on the world and the world has on you. It is never fully accomplished but a growing skill. Do the best you can to be yourself and aware of yourself. 

Galatians 6:5 NLV For we are each responsible for our own conduct. 

Try this meditation with me. Get comfortable and focused. Notice any tension in your body and relax it as best you can. If anything hurts, relax around it, letting go any bracing and tensing muscles nearby. Now let yourself feel and think about anyone in your life that you have tried to control. Did you have fears for them? Did you want them to do more of what you wanted for their lives? Have you let that desire to control go? If not, can you begin to let the desire to control this person go now? Maybe you need to repent of the sin of manipulation here. Or maybe you were innocently doing what you thought was best. But you can’t be responsible for anyone else’s life but your own (unless they are a child or dependent adult in your care). Now turn your attention to anyone who has tried to control you. Is it in the past or present? Do you want this in your life? If not, let your mind drift to any steps you can take to begin to take more responsibility for yourself. Notice your feelings, but let them move through; they can come and go. It is not wrong to have any emotion, but you don’t have to give in to shame, anger, or sadness. Just let your awareness prod you to keep moving toward responsibility for yourself, and choosing not to try to control others.