Your Calm Bank

Life takes a lot out of us. So like at a bank, there must be deposits we have earlier put in so we can withdraw them when we need to. I'm talking about the ability to stay calm when things are irritating or taxing. The "calm bank" can be built up so withdrawals don't leave you bankrupt, or stressed out or chewing somebody else out! 

Transcript

Filling your “calm bank.”

A client told me about being impatient with his sick wife. Because she was sick, he was having to work full time, do all the household duties and care for their toddler child. His wife was staying away from her child because she did not want to give her child the sickness she had. When he saw her laying around he was irritated and implied she should get up and help him. 

He is a normally gracious, kind husband and dad. But he was being a jerk. Why? Because his “calm bank” was empty. Deadlines and expectations at work were at a high point, their child had recently been sick, he had lost sleep, he was getting over being sick himself and their usual help from grandmothers was unavailable. With all these stressors he needed to make withdrawals from his “calm bank,” but it was empty. 

What is a “calm bank” anyway? It is resilience. And resilience is your ability to bounce back from hard things. It is your ability to handle hard things as they happen. When you can draw on your “calm bank” you have positive things you can do when bad stuff happens: A coworker makes a critical remark about your work and you respond patiently. Your spouse laughs at you when you make a mistake, and you laugh along with them. Someone makes fun of your choice of words, and you brush it off. 

These responses are all possible when your “calm bank” is full. When it is low or empty it looks more like this: A coworker makes a critical remark about your work, and you respond with  criticism of their work. Your spouse laughs at you when you make a mistake, and you lash out at them, failing to see any humor in the situation. Someone makes fun of your choice of words, and you cut off any further contact with them. 

Sound familiar? When your “calm bank” is in good shape you interact with the world confidently. When we are calm, collected and confident, what others do has little effect on us. Another word for this is equanimity. But when you are “running on empty” you are unsure, operating on low fuel, wanting help from others or at least sympathy. And maybe you turn into a jerk. I know, I've done it. 

How do you make deposits in your “calm bank” so you can take out withdrawals when needed? How can you build equanimity? It helps to understand a few principles: 

1. It is normal to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. If you know that you can catch yourself when you try too hard to make things sweet and allow the sour to come and go in your life. 

2. Distractions are everywhere. They come at us and take our minds away from our intended focus. But we also choose distractions like TV and our phones. Distractions don’t fill our “calm bank.” They just distract or change the subject. After choosing a distraction to avoid a hard thing, the hard thing remains, and we have no more resilience to deal with it than before. Distractions are not always wrong but they are not helpful in the long run. 

3. When we can ground ourselves in our bodies and sights, sounds and smells of our senses, we can gain perspective on hard times. Other people’s opinions and even our own self-criticism doesn’t have to control our reaction to circumstances; we can rise above it. 

There are practical actions to put deposits in your calm bank as well. Try one or more of these.

1.Breathe on purpose. Take time to breathe in slowly. Count your breaths or inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth for a short time. Some have even inhaled through one nostril and exhaled through the other. Allow yourself to feel the calming. 

2. Take a walk. Not with your earbuds in, and not making mental lists to be done. Take a walk and concentrate on what you see, smell and feel. “Smell the roses,” or other flowers, city smells, cut grass, etc. Notice your feet pounding the pavement, the swing of your arms, the feel of the air on your face. 

3. Choose an object to examine. This can be by looking at it carefully, or by touching it or both. The object can be a piece of art, food, or from nature. Give as much attention to this as possible. A child with a daisy or a bug does this naturally, curious about the details.  

4. Take relaxed time with one or more other easy to be with people. Spend time without an agenda. Be grateful for this relationship. 

5. Do any of these things in an attitude of prayer, looking for God in the process. Set aside other agendas for yourself or God, saving the requests for another time. Celebrate whatever you find.  

The best actions for you to fill your “calm bank” are the things that work for you. Resolve to put deposits in before you need to make urgent withdrawals! 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15